Separation Anxiety

One of the first stressful lessons of parenting is dealing with separation anxiety. As you go through your baby’s early years, you may find that you can easily leave her with family or strangers (child care providers) without protest. Suddenly around eight months old, your child will begin to cry or scream inconsolably, often even when she already knows the child care provider. She is suffering from separation anxiety.

The reason this occurs is that the child has now developed the ability to remember objects and people that are not present. This means your baby can and does think about you when you are not there. The anxiety results from the baby’s ability to understand that you are leaving, but she doesn’t know when or if you’ll be back. She may go equally hysterical when you leave the room for a moment as she does when being dropped off at day care. As she learns that leaving is followed by returning, her anxiety will decrease.

This phase varies from child to child, but typically peaks between eight and eighteen months.

Keep in mind that the pain and anxiety you are feeling may actually be worse than what your child is feeling. Many day care providers report that a child who is screaming when mom drops her off is often playing happily before mom has even left the parking lot. Mom, on the other hand, is probably worrying all day.

One of the most important things you can do is make good-byes brief and affectionate, and your child should be clearly reassured that you will be back. Under no circumstance should you give in to hysteria and decide not to leave. This will teach your child that she can control you with her behavior, and her tantrums will increase. Also, don’t sneak away when your child isn’t looking. Even though that will minimize the emotionalism for you, it will increase separation anxiety for your child. It will break down trust and cause her to be clingy. Stay calm but firm. Show your child with your behavior that she has nothing to be afraid of.

It is helpful, whenever possible, to introduce new caregivers in advance. If you can, stay at a new day care or church nursery for an hour or two to assure your child this is a safe place to be. Allow your child to bring a favorite toy or blanket. Playing peek-a-boo is a way to practice separation and make it fun and safe.

Even though separation anxiety makes you feel terrible, remember that it is only a phase. It is a sign of the normal development of your child, as well as proof of the attachment she has formed for you Return to Home Page