Why You Can't Reason With Your Teen

It’s no secret that the hardest years for parents are the teen years. As parents, we put up with mood swings, unpredictability, defiance, belligerence and various other types of emotional outbursts. Some parents may even wonder if their once sweet child is now possessed by demons.

In fact, during this time of turbulence, parents may start to wonder if their teen will ever grow up. Occasionally you can catch glimpses of the little child they used to be; more rarely you can catch glimpses of the adult they are becoming. In the mean time, you are faced with this stranger that seems uncomfortable in his or her own skin and thinks the enemy is you.

So what is wrong with them? Why does it seem that he or she no longer sees the same world you are seeing?

The answer to that is that they don’t.

The problem is partly, but not totally, caused by hormones.

The other problem is the development of the brain. The development of your teenager’s brain is probably slower than you think.

The largest part of the brain is called the frontal lobe. A small part of the frontal lobe, called the prefronatal cortex and located behind the forehead, control’s the brain’s most advanced functions. This is the area that allows us to think in the abstract, imagine consequences, plan and control impulses.

The brain changes significantly during adolescence. There is an intensive overproduction of gray matter, the brain tissue that does the thinking. Then, for a period of time, gray matter is discarded at a rapid rate, while white matter develops. White matter is fatty tissue that serves as insulation. These changes continue into a person’s early twenties. The frontal lobe undergoes far more change during the teen years than at any other stage of a person’s life. It is the last part of the brain to develop. This means your teenager literally cannot reason as well as adults.

In other words, during the teen years, the brain is not done being built yet. Because of the lack of maturity of the frontal lobe, adolescents rely on emotional parts of the brain instead. They rely on gut feelings, not on intellectually evaluating the consequences of their actions.

Your child is in this respect, still a child. The brain does not become mature in the areas that govern judgment and foresight until around age 21 or 22.

So the next time you can’t reason with your teenager, keep in mind their brain isn’t done growing yet. They may not be choosing to be unreasonable – they may simply not be capable of reasoning like an adult.

Return to Home Page